Entry 34: Reset

Time passed and the depression lifted, but this time the reset felt different. I hadn't bounced back the way I had previously. I was scared to be too happy, too hopeful, too comfortable, and it was difficult to generate any sort of excitement for the future. Dating had also taken a back seat, with little desire to enter another romantic relationship. Perhaps it was me being jaded, or perhaps it was self-preservation, I wasn't sure.

I'd never had trouble meeting men organically, at the envy of many of my girlfriends who still found themselves on dating apps, weeding through an endless pool of men. But then I'd decide to date the one with unresolved trauma, red flags and control issues, and that envy would quickly fade. This time if a relationship did come along, I desperately needed it to be the right one.

Hi, I'm S. And you are?" the man asked, sitting down next to me. I was at an outdoor music festival with two of my girlfriends when he approached. He wasn't generally my type at first glance, more of a rocker type with his ripped faux leather jacket and a couple of small tattoos, but looking around me, he appeared to be one of the more normal-looking individuals within an extremely alternative crowd.

One thing I'd never been was a snob, so as long as someone seemed normal, I had no problem conversing with them. "I'm Ellie," I said, feeling a bit uneasy.

"Well, it's nice to see we're not the oldest ones here," he said, pointing at the white haired singer on the stage." I wasn't sure if I should be offended, but then he let out a laugh and so did I. We chatted for a few more minutes before he had to go. "Can I get your number?" he asked. "I'd like to take you for dinner one night."

"Yeah, I guess so," I said, as he plugged my number into his phone. And as he walked away, I told myself that a guy friend might be nice to have...

After that we texted back and forth a couple of times and eventually met for dinner a few weeks later. He'd chosen a nice restaurant nearby, and when I entered, he was in a crisp button down shirt, pants and polished dress shoes. I'd felt nervous going into the evening, not knowing much about him, but as we began to talk, there was an immediate ease between us. The banter had been fun, easy and comfortable, and it felt like I'd known him for years. I'd come out of the dinner pleasantly surprised, as we headed for a nightcap at one of the lounges nearby. At one point we almost kissed, but then we turned away, realizing that perhaps this might actually be something special.

Something special, it had a nice ring to it. And as I laid my head on the pillow at the end of the night, I couldn't help but feel just a little excited.

Entry 35: Proposal