Entry 35: Proposal

S. and I continued to see each other, with us now inseparable. I liked how easy it was being with him. There were no games, no fights, no drama, and for the first time I felt truly safe, as we began to talk about our futures.

Looking back on my relationships, there'd been moments where I'd been loved, but I'd never been loved and adored this way before. It was finally about me as much as it was about him, and that felt good. We were invested, and he'd already told my friends that one day he was going to marry that girl, as he pointed at me across the room.

As committed as I was, marriage still scared me. I didn't know how I felt about it. Yes, in some ways it provided an extra layer of security, but it was still hard not to see it as a cage. If I got married again, there'd be no church telling me I had to stay no matter what, and what was expected of me as a wife, but it still made me feel uneasy. I wanted to be with S., not because an institution told me I had to be, but because I chose to be. Yet with S. never married before, I didn't want to rob him of that experience either, so when he got down on one knee two years later I said yes. He'd proposed with a beautiful custom ring in the same spot we'd first met, as a photographer hid behind one of the trees to capture the moment. As soon as the proposal had taken place, we headed to a restaurant nearby for champagne, where we called friends and family to tell them the good news.

I knew I was supposed to feel excited, but I couldn't shake the anxiety that rose up the moment I agreed to marry him. Was it a gut feeling or fear? This time I wasn't sure, as I thought back to when I'd adopted my cat Lennox two years after losing my 13 year old cat to a brain tumour. The moment I was told that Lennox was mine, my whole body shook, my heart beat out of rhythm, and I couldn't sleep for two days leading up to the adoption. It was as if my body was releasing all the trauma I'd carried from the tragic night I'd lost my first cat. But then as soon as I brought Lennox home, and she began showering me with love and affection, I knew I'd made the right decision.

Would it be the same with this marriage? Was all the trauma from my first marriage bubbling up to the surface, triggered by this proposal? And if so, did all I have to do is allow myself time to settle into a loving and committed relationship as husband and wife, to eventually experience the same reassurance? Only time would tell...

Entry 36: Remarriage