Alone

I woke up in a pool of sweat, my mind jumping from one fear to another. I craved the comfort of familiarity, and that's when I remembered the manila envelope the leaders had given me. I switched on the light next to the couch and slid the articles out. The first one was all about women and their value in the eyes of God, as well as their role within the family. That wasn't so bad," I whispered under my breath. I then moved onto the next one, as my eyes settled on the words, "Anyone who chooses to go against the marriage arrangement will be in in direct opposition to God, and seen as rebellious." And there it was, the judgement I'd been waiting for.

Once again, the church had failed to provide comfort, filling me with guilt and shame instead. I cared what my friends and community thought of me, how could I not? But was it enough to run back to my husband and attempt to reconcile our relationship? I knew the answer, so I grabbed the articles and threw them in the garbage, deciding to put the religion on hold until I could figure out the rest of my life.

It was only a couple of weeks later, that I found a beautiful one bedroom apartment that overlooked a beautiful green space. It couldn't have been more perfect, as I tirelessly painted, decorated and bought new things for it, refusing to slow down. However, it wasn't until I'd officially settled in, that the realization hit. I had absolutely no idea what to do with myself, with the church having provided a regimented schedule that left little time for anything else. As excited as I'd been about living on my own, the reality of it felt very different. Anxiety filled the silence, and worry filled the darkness, as a small cloud settled over me once again. Yet, no matter how terrible I felt, I couldn't bring myself to return to the church.

After a few months of being away, I realized that I didn't miss any of it. Sure, life seemed scary on the outside, with me feeling like an alien who'd just arrived from another planet, but I still preferred that over being entrapped in a religion I no longer had faith in. Yet, how did I explain that to my family? Dad had graciously provided me with the down payment for my apartment, with the expectation I'd return to the church. So, what would happen when he found out that I wouldn't be going back? Would he eventually reject me too, just like the rest of the religious community?

I found myself avoiding Dad just as much as the church, making excuses each time he wanted to get together. But I'd run out of them, as I found myself sitting across from him at a local Indian restaurant a couple of weeks later. The conversation had remained light as he swirled the last piece of naan bread in his bowl, but then his expression changed as soon as he reached for the water glass and took a sip. "So Ellie, it's been a couple of months since you've been to church. When do you think you'll be returning?"

I squirmed in the booth like a small child. "Uh...I don't really know."

"Well, I'm telling you now, that if you don't return, you're going to ruin your life. There's nothing better for you out there, don't you see that? And think about your family, and how sad it will be when your sister and I are reunited with your Mom once again, and you're not there."

Not there. Those words had been the basis of all the church's teachings. If you didn't do what they said, then you'd eventually die at the hands of God. I'd lived with that fear my whole life, feeling inadequate and inept, while wondering why God had chosen to form relationships with everyone except for me. I'd done everything to try and earn my salvation; but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't find it my heart to love a god that I constantly feared.

As for Dad, I knew his speech wasn't going to get him the "Father of the Year" award, but I still empathized with him anyway, knowing how desperate he was to save the soul of his daughter. But that didn't mean his words hadn't hurt, having placed me on the opposing side, including that of my dead mother. Here I was alive and in front of him, a daughter who just wanted to be loved unconditionally. Was that too much to ask?

I hadn't expected so much emotion to come to the surface with his words, but now I was sobbing, unable to speak. I was supposed to be excited for the future, but all I felt was sad. I was sad that my marriage of 10 years had failed. I was sad that not one friend had reached out since I'd left my husband. I was sad that at 29 years old, I didn't know how to live a normal life outside of the religion. And I was sad that I was about to lose my father, all because I no longer wanted to be part of a religion that had caused our family so much pain.

Dad trailed behind me as we walked back to my place, with me still unable to speak, as tears continued to flow. He didn't know what to do other than hug me and say, "I hope you know I love you, "as I slowly closed the door between us. I didn't bother turning on the light in my apartment, as I flopped down on the couch and let out one one of the most heart wrenching cries. I had refused to feel sorry for myself, but in this moment I couldn't help it. Suddenly my phone rang, snapping me out of my crying frenzy. I didn't pick up, as it went to my voicemail. "Hello, it's me, your dad. Pick up the phone, I have to talk to you. Please Ellie, pick up the phone!" I ignored the message, but a few minutes later I heard shouting outside, and there was Dad standing on the lawn, waving his hands in the air while calling my name.

I opened the sliding door and stepped out onto the balcony. "What? You're acting like a crazy person, you're going to scare my neighbors."

"I just need to talk to you, please let me come inside." He ran up the stairs completely out of breath, and his face bright red.

"Why did you come back?" I asked, not bothering to turn on the lights.

"I realized I couldn't leave you in that state. You really scared me, so I decided to come back."

I began telling him how much the separation had taken its toll, and that everything was proving to be much harder than I'd anticipated. "I've just been feeling really low lately," I said, my eyes feeling with tears. "And you putting that kind of pressure on me right now isn't helping. I'm just trying to figure things out."

There was only a small amount of moonlight coming through the window where Dad sat, so I couldn't see his face, but I could hear the emotion behind his words. "I'm so sorry, I had no idea you were feeling that way. I promise I'll never give you a guilt trip like that again, it was wrong of me as a father. Can you forgive me?"

I nodded as we continued sitting together, basking in the comfort of each other's company without any words. I was about to lose everything, I knew that now. But, as long as I had Dad in my corner, perhaps it would hurt just a little bit less.