Enty 32: Identity

I'd been dating the Englishman for a few months now, but it wasn't going as well as I'd hoped. He'd been kind, which I'd desperately needed after T., but it was becoming clear just how different we were. He loved the country, I loved the city. I didn't want to start a family, he did, and the list went on and on. But as my father’s death drew closer, so did we, as he held me in his arms while I shared stories from my time at the hospice.

However, once Dad had passed away our differences only magnified, as I found myself yearning for a deeper emotional and physical connection. The less fulfilled I felt within my current relationship, the more I began fixating on my past one with T. He was still the only man I'd ever really loved, and the only man that I'd experienced real chemistry with. The feeling had been so consuming that I could feel my body respond the moment he entered the room. And any red flags he had temporarily disappeared the moment we joined together.

But in the end, our physical connection hadn't been enough to sustain us, as there'd been so many other things lacking at the end; safety, trust, empathy... kindness. And yet the lines had blurred since breaking up with the Englishman, as I thought about the past, and the times I'd been truly happy with T., his kids, and our life. Why had I been allowed a taste, only to have everything ripped from me in the end? Sometimes life felt so cruel.

I'd managed to pull myself together in order to deal with Dad's declining health and eventual death, but now that he was gone I didn't know who I was anymore. I was no longer someone's child, a strange feeling in itself, and I was no longer anyone's love either. I was just a woman running on empty, with a trail of losses behind her. I didn't want to start over and rebuild my life again, like I had before meeting T. No, I wanted to transport myself to that window of time when I'd been deeply loved and was happy and content. It had only been a small taste, but it had been everything I'd ever wanted. And I couldn't help but wonder if I'd ever have another chance, or if that had been my very last shot at happiness.

Entry 33: Down