Entry 44: Island

As much as S. had wanted to repair our relationship, it had been hard to turn myself back on and return to normal. I knew I was carrying trauma, and when I thought about everything that had transpired between us, I couldn't help but feel angry. It felt as if my dream had been stolen, and in place of it lay an uncertain future. Would I be able to ever forgive him, and more importantly trust him? I wasn't sure.

I scrolled the page full of faces, and settled on one particular one. He had a big smile that made his eyes sparkle, and most importantly there'd been a kindness radiating from them. I quickly dialed the number. The next week I found myself sitting in front of this same man sharing my story. My new psychologist, K., hadn't focused on my childhood, my family, or the church I'd grown up in. Instead, he'd focused almost entirely on my relationship with S. "I don't feel anything," I said to K., to which he responded, "this is normal." The word normal immediately made me feel better.

As much as I tried to get K. to analyze my husband and tell me what might be wrong with him, he steered the session back to me. How did I feel, what did I want? Did I still love him? And then he asked me something that I'd never been asked before. "What do you want your island to look like?"

"Island?" I asked.

"Yes, your island. Take S. out of the equation, your work, your life now. If you could build an island exactly the way you wanted to, what would it look like?"

I thought about his question for some time. "I would want to move to Europe, as I have dual citizenship," I said.

He was intrigued. "Tell me more."

Europe had always been my happy place, where I felt connected to myself and my roots. S. and I thought about moving there together, but there'd been too many logistics with him not having dual citizenship himself, and there were now aging parents, pets and careers to think about. But if I found myself single once again, I knew I'd be back there in a heartbeat. As large as the city was that I lived in, it was full of ghosts from my past, and if I ended up going through another divorce, there'd be another one I'd have to avoid. As much as I loved this city, it also haunted me.

"Think more about that island," K. said, as we wrapped up the session.

"I will," I said, giving him a smile.

And for the next few weeks, that's all I did. Though the idea of starting over had an appeal after everything I'd been through, it also filled me with sadness. The truth was, I wasn't sure if I wanted an island without S., not because I was afraid to be alone, but because I'd miss him...

Entry 45: Hope