Entry 40: Numb

A year after our wedding COVID hit, causing chaos across the world. Though I understood why the rules had been put in place, it felt like I was back in the religion again, as I attempted to navigate the do's and don'ts, while avoiding the division and hate that was rising up on both sides.

S. and I had been doing okay overall, and I was grateful to have a partner, and not completely isolated like so many. We were in this together, in sickness and in health... and in global pandemics.

I wasn't scared, as these were the types of things the religion had prepared me for my whole life, though I no longer saw these events as biblical, nor did I think the end of the world was upon us. But I also wasn't sure how the world would look when COVID was over. No one could have predicted that the restrictions would go from a few months to a few years. So, we walked, we watched movies, we drank, we Zoomed with friends, and we went to restaurants and pubs when restrictions temporarily lifted.

This was one of those times, and we'd just finished a couple of drinks in one of the pubs nearby, when I noticed S. wasn't saying anything as we walked home. "Why are you so quiet?" I asked. Suddenly, he began yelling at me on the busy street, as people turned and stared. The guys sitting next to us at the bar we'd just left had been trying to watch the football game, and S. was getting noticeably louder the more drinks he consumed. "Shhh," I said gently, "these guys are trying to watch the game," pointing to the TV above us. It had been enough to set him off, and now everyone on the street could hear him. I quickly ducked into the grocery store on the corner. "I'm done being yelled at in public," I snapped. "Go home, and I'll see you later."

I raced inside praying he wouldn't follow me in. He didn't, as I began mindlessly going up and down the aisles, filling my basket with things I didn't need. My body shook with anxiety, and the thought of going home to S. made me feel sick. My apartment had been a sanctuary before S. had entered, but in times like this, it felt more like a trap. There never seemed to be any resolution to our fights, with it feeling more like the dynamics of a parent and child, rather than husband and wife. And there was little accountability or empathy for my feelings. If I tried to discuss my concerns about his behaviour, he immediately turned it back on me, making me question my own narrative. And in the morning, he'd pretend as if nothing had happened, while I was left with the residual effects for weeks afterwards. The cycle was exhausting, and it wasn't long before I'd completely shut down as the numbness returned, a feeling I was only too familiar with.