Entry 37: Enough

This time around, my wedding would be non-traditional, non-religious, with a Justice of a Peace and a small group of friends in attendance.

As for my sister, I'd wanted to prepare her for the day and what she could expect. I provided a list of who she'd know, who she'd meet, who was in my wedding party, and the overall schedule for the day. I knew my email was far more detailed than it needed to be, but I'd wanted her to be comfortable. I sent it off with the invite, and a few hours later I had a response. "Funerals and weddings have sure become a problem for our family, haven't they? As you are aware, my loyalty first and foremost is to God, so at this time I am unable to give you my RSVP."

I was furious at her response, and refused to beg her to attend, so all I wrote was, "Okay, just keep me posted." In the meantime, I carried on with the planning, surrounding myself with supportive friends who I knew were happy for us.

When my sister reached out to see if we could meet for lunch a couple fo weeks later, I anticipated we'd discuss the wedding and she'd give me an answer as to whether she'd be attending or not. But as we sat there, she didn't ask one thing about it, which had been baffling as it was hurtful. So, when I got home, I opened up my laptop and began typing out an email to her:

"I've thought about everything, and I think it's best that you not attend the wedding after all.

I've spent a long time trying to hold onto our relationship, but lately it's become clear to me how much sadness and tension sits underneath it. When we were together for lunch, it hurt realizing how disconnected we really are from each other's lives now.

I'm about to experience one of the happiest moments of my life, and I don't think either of us is able to fully share in that joy together anymore. I will always love you because you're my sister, and I truly hope life brings you happiness and peace. But for now, I think it's healthiest that we part ways."

I hovered over the send button for some time, before clicking on it. I waited for the regret to settle in but there wasn't any. I was done, and this was the last step to free myself from the past. I would no longer allow guilt and shame to fill my life, nor would I continue letting people in who didn't have my best interests at heart—and that included my sister. I'd built a family around me, and they weren't blood, but something so much better. They were my past, my present and future, but most importantly they were my safety. And one thing they'd never do is allow me to fall.

Entry 38: Signs