Entry 37: Enough

Planning for my own wedding was now in full force. I too was planning a non-traditional, non-religious wedding with a handful of guests and a Justice of the Peace. Only the guests attending would be non-religious and diverse.

As for my sister, I'd wanted to prepare her for the day, and what she could expect. I told her who would be attending, who I'd chosen to be in my wedding party, and the overall schedule. The e-mail had been far more detailed than it needed to be, but I'd wanted her to choose parts of the day she'd feel comfortable with, and opt out of the ones she didn't. I sent it off with the invite, and a few hours later I had a response waiting. "Funerals and weddings have sure become a problem for our family, haven't they? As you are aware, my loyalty first and foremost is to God, so at this time I am unable to RSVP."

I was furious at her response, but it hadn't been surprising. And I refused to beg for my own sister to attend my wedding, or show she'd hurt my feelings, so all I wrote was, "Okay, just keep me posted." In the meantime, I carried on with the planning, surrounding myself with friends and family who were truly happy for me.

When my sister reached out to see if we could meet for lunch a couple fo weeks later, I anticipated we'd discuss the wedding and she'd give me an answer as to whether she'd be attending. Instead, she sat across from me talking about everything other than my wedding. She didn't ask about whether I'd found a dress, how the plans were coming along, or if I needed help... nothing. It had been as baffling as it was hurtful.

When I got home, I opened up my laptop and began typing out an e-mail to my sister:

"I've thought about everything, and I think it's best that you not attend the wedding after all.

I've spent a long time trying to hold onto our relationship, but lately it's become clear to me how much sadness and tension sits underneath it. When we were together for lunch, it hurt realizing how disconnected we really are from each other's lives now.

I'm about to experience one of the happiest moments of my life, and I don't think either of us is able to fully share in that joy together anymore. I will always love you because you're my sister, and I truly hope life brings you happiness and peace. But for now, I think it's healthiest that we part ways."

I hovered over the send button for some time, before clicking on it. I waited for the regret to settle in but there wasn't any. I was done, and I'd finally freed myself from the past. I would no longer allow guilt and shame to fill my life, nor would I continue letting people in who didn't have my best interests at heart—and that included my sister. I'd built a family around me, and they weren't blood, but something so much better. They were my past, my present and future, but most importantly they were my safety. And one thing they'd never do is allow me to fall.