Entry 14: Endurance

The next few years took endurance, a lot of it, as I attempted to cut the chains of my past. I was showing up a decade late to the party, trying to figure out things in my 30's, that normally were worked out in one's 20's. What was my identity, my likes and dislikes? I was trying to navigate romantic relationships, a career without an education, all while trying to prove my worth, not just to others but myself.

My drive for worth had only intensified since being rejected by my family. I'd endured guilt trips and exclusion, and now I was faced with something even worse, Dad's cancer diagnosis.

"It's stage two prostate cancer," Dad said, as I sat in a restaurant with him and my sister. That word cancer, had left me emotionally scrambling, but in a strange way it had also given me some hope. Perhaps this would be the thing, no matter how terrible, that would make him want to usher me back into his life. The thought of losing another parent was terrifying, and there was still so much for us to reconcile. What if he didn't beat the cancer, and what if we were unable to fix our relationship in time? Would I find myself once again in the clutches of depression and PTSD, like I had after Mom's death?

After that lunch, I received occasional reports on the progress of his cancer, but outside of that nothing changed, as he continued to keep me at arms length. Two years later, he received a clean bill of health, and though he'd beat the cancer, he'd come out of it looking much older and frailer. It was then that I knew I had to try and fight for our relationship.

It had taken me all week to prepare my speech, with everything riding on this conversation. It had to go well, as I wasn't sure my heart could take it if it didn't. I cleared my throat, struggling to make eye contact. "I've been thinking how fast time goes by. You've been through a big health scare and I see you getting older, and it makes me realize how important it is that we try to have a closer relationship before it's too late. I've witnessed some pretty amazing father daughter relationships where they love and support each other unconditionally, and I want that for us before its too late. I was thinking that maybe you and I could do one activity together each week, so we can really get to know one another better."

I waited for his expression to soften, for him to be touched by my words, but instead he appeared agitated. "I understand that you want a relationship with me, but I just don't see that being possible unless you study the bible with me once a week." He opened his briefcase and slid a religious book across the table, one I'd studied a dozen times.

I felt my cheeks turn red. "No, that's not what I mean by us spending time together. I just want us to hang out the way normal fathers and daughters do." I pushed the book back towards him. "I know you won't be disappointed with what you discover, if you just give me a chance."

And there it was, the desperation, as I waited for those words to hit. Instead they bounced right off of him, as he shook his head, refusing to back down. "Sorry, this is the only way, Ellie. I know your mom and I failed in teaching you the bible, and in helping you develop your faith, and for that I apologize. I'd like the opportunity to make it up to you."

And there was the word, failed. I was the failure of the family, the one that needed to be fixed. "You and Mom didn't fail me, you both did an excellent job of raising me, which I'm grateful for. But, I'm an adult now who has the right to choose my own beliefs. At the end of the day, I'm simply asking you to be my dad." As soon as said that last sentence, I choked on the words.

"I'm sorry, it's the only way, otherwise I only see the gap between us getting bigger," he said, aggressively stuffing the book back in his bag.

"I already told you I wouldn't be happy if I went back to the religion, so no, I won't be studying the bible with you, as I can no longer put faith in a god and religion who keeps families apart like this, and sees women as lesser."

Dad's face suddently turned bright red, and his eyes filled with anger, as he slammed his fist down on the table. "How dare you insult me and my god! It's what he's commanded, and we can't change the bible!"

I could feel a lump in my throat, as I attempted to push away the crushing feeling of rejection. It was a reminder as to why I stayed numb, because when the hurt surfaced, I could barely breathe. I peered out the window as Dad drove me back to work, doing everything I could not to burst into tears. I had one more thing to say to him and then I was done. "You know what, Dad? The sands of time keep moving through that hourglass, and one day there will be no more grains left for us. It will be too late, and that is my greatest fear."

He clutched the steering well, his face expressionless."Yes, time sure does go by fast," he said, with us falling into a painful silence for the rest of the drive. As he pulled up in front of my work, I quickly jumped out in order to avoid the kiss he always planted on my cheek before saying goodbye. As I went to shut the door, I heard him say, "I love you, Ellie."

I went to say the words back but I couldn't get them out. Instead, I turned away just as the first tear fell, one for a father who no longer wanted to be my dad.