Entry 26: Thaw

I returned to my condo, still in complete shock. I didn't know how to feel after everything I'd just been through with T. My whole world had disappear beneath me: partner, children, my home, and even my cat of 13 years, as I was forced to put her down due to the discovery of a brain tumour. I felt like a complete failure and alone, and dwelling on the future caused just as much pain as dwelling on the past, knowing I was about to lose my father as well. I still had a sister, but that relationship was uncertain as well, since she'd returned to the religion.

I worked on making my condo feel like home again, while attempting to keep my heartbreak at bay. "I can't help but sense that underneath it all, you're extremely sad," the man said across from me, as I sipped on my beer.

I knew that it had been way too soon to date, and this only confirmed it, as I nodded and looked down. "I've had a lot of loss in my life lately."

He was nice enough, but he wasn't T, and this interaction made me realize that in spite of how badly I'd been treated, a part of me still missed him. I felt ashamed for allowing such a thought to enter my mind, but I wasn't a tap that could instantly shut off all my emotions after having been with him for almost four years. It had been clear that he'd gotten over me months ago, or had he? Did he lay in bed at night with the same ache I felt? My date and I walked down the bustling street, when my eyes darted to a familiar face. It was T, and he was sitting with a woman who was running her fingers through his hair just as I had. He tipped his head back, giving her his boyish grin as his eyes sparkled. I felt the crush in my chest as I walked by, avoiding eye contact. Knowing him, he would have found joy in me seeing him with someone. Sure, I was on a date as well, but we didn't have the comfort and familiarity he shared with this woman. Was this who he'd enjoyed bottle service and late nights with? Such a thought made me feel sick to my stomach.

"Let's go back to your house," I said to my date. It was time to break my faithfulness to T for good. As we moved together, I felt nothing. I was an empty vessel. He hadn't been very experienced, as I guided him, desperate to squeeze out my pain with each kiss and thrust. But then my mind returned to T, and how much my body ached for his as soon as we were in the same room. Would I ever feel that again with another? I wasn't sure.

After this, I fell into a deep depression, as I fought not to take my own life. I cried walking to work, on the way home, and in the evening. This almost felt worse than someone dying, knowing that this person still existed and was living their life without you. I decided to take up running, after putting together a depressing playlist that played over and over like a broken record. As soon as I reached the bench on the hill overlooking the city, I sobbed behind my sunglasses, talking out loud to the sky, God, Mom, dead relatives, whoever might be out there listening. "Please help me want to live," I mouthed.

One day, my friend came over as I began to sob in front of her. "If only I'd driven the boys," I said, as if that was all that had broken us.

"Ellie, it's not your fault," she said, empathetically.

I shrugged, as my shoulders slumped. "I know."

"No, you don't understand, none of this is your fault."

I suddenly felt like I'd been transported to the scene in Good Will Hunting, where Robin Williams repeats this same line to Will, until he completely breaks down, as years of pain pour out of him.

In that moment I cried for every loss in my life, all the moments I'd blamed myself, the betrayals, the broken hearts and disappointments. I'd hit rock bottom before and had managed to pull myself from the jaws of hopelessness, and I would find the strength once again. No matter how weak I felt, I still had a choice whether I wanted to live or not, but for my father, he didn't have one. He was about to die, and in that moment I reminded myself that he was going to need me, and no matter what, I had to make sure I was there for him, broken hearted or not.

Entry 27: Turn